Trust is the basis of every good relationship.
Unfortunately, it is also something that many of us struggle with.
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve had painful experiences in the past, have an insecure attachment style, or struggle with self-esteem issues, at some point you may find yourself testing your partner’s loyalty.
These mind games rarely end well and only put unnecessary strain on the relationship dynamic, but that doesn’t stop us from playing them.
However, do you know what that could be?
Once you learn to recognize when you’re playing a game, you’ll be better able to put an end to it. Here are the 9 mind games couples play to test each other’s loyalty.
1) The texting game
“He texted me just after six o’clock. I have to ignore him for at least two minutes now.’
“She hasn’t texted all day. I won’t reach out until she texts me herself because 70% of the time I text her first.
Texting games may seem like a lot of sense when you’re really into them — part of it is about giving your partner space, keeping your dignity intact, and not seeming too desperate — but in reality, they’re just pointless mind games that take their toll. to demand. your well-being.
While it’s fine to take some space for yourself and not make contact, sitting by your phone all day waiting for it to beep defeats the purpose.
We may not want to admit it, but most texting games are all about testing the loyalty and interest of our partners.
And while it’s normal to have doubts every now and then, it’s better to sit down and talk about it than to play a game that your partner isn’t even aware of.
2) The trick question
My girlfriend sometimes likes to ask her boyfriend, “What do you think of this girl’s hair?” or ‘This woman is so beautiful. Do you think that as well?”
And the thing is: this type of questioning isn’t always bad. Some couples enjoy discussing all the different aspects of their sexual attraction, and if there’s no jealousy involved, questions like these can lead to some pretty productive conversations.
However, if your self-esteem is quite low, questions along these lines are essentially mind games because you are trying to set a trap for your partner to fall into.
If they agree with you, you can get angry. If they disagree, you may question their honesty.
This is why trick questions are generally either under atmosphere or end with arguments.
3) The jealousy test
Jealousy usually has very little to do with love and everything to do with ego, but that doesn’t stop us from using it to test how much our partners want us for themselves.
In one of my previous relationships I felt very unappreciated. My ex completely ignored my existence half the time, and no matter what I did, I simply couldn’t get his attention.
So I gave him a jealousy test. When another man showed interest in me, I didn’t shut him down. I laughed at his jokes, built a friendly bond and started to really like him.
My ex didn’t even notice.
It’s safe to say he failed the jealousy test, and soon the relationship was over.
Of course, I should have ended it before I felt the need to make him jealous.
4) The compliment hunt
“Would you still love me if I were a worm?”
“What’s your favorite thing about me?”
“Do you still love me? How much?”
These questions are usually asked in a non-serious and playful mood when you are messing around with your partner. However, it’s quite easy to turn fun into a fight if you’re quite irritable.
Or if you’re fishing for compliments as part of a mind game.
Trying to get one compliment after another isn’t just about testing how much your partner really loves you. It’s also about assessing how annoying you can be before they draw a line or push you away.
That reminds me of yet another mind game…
5) The self-sabotage hack
Do you want to know how to sabotage your own relationship so that all your fears and doubts come true?
Think of a scenario that scares you. Then watch it in real time.
Here’s an example. About four years ago I was in a relationship with a man. Let’s call him Chuck.
I was in love with Chuck, which also meant that I felt anxious much of the time and worried that he would bore me and leave me.
So the beauty of having one anxious attachment style.
I was afraid I would be too annoying and pushy. But instead of trying to change my behavior, I did the opposite: I became even more insufferable.
Every time I irritated him to no end, I was subconsciously testing him. How much of this could he take before he pushed me away? How loyal was he to me – even in my worst times?
Of course, he eventually pushed me away, which only “confirmed” for me that the relationship couldn’t last and that I had been right all along.
Then I finally realized what I had done. This whole time I had been sabotaging myself and my relationship because of some false stories I had built up about myself and my love life.
Slowly but surely, I let go of the self-sabotage game. And my relationship has improved enormously as a result.
6) The boundaries are raised to a higher level
Speaking of pushing your partner to the limit, boundaries generally make for a great test of loyalty.
Of course, it’s very toxic to push someone’s boundaries just to see how much he or she loves you, but unfortunately many people do it unconsciously, which means they often don’t even realize they’re playing a game.
Let’s say your partner hates spa weekends. Well, here you are trying to convince them to go to a spa weekend with you because it would mean a lot to see them do something nice for you.
Even though they’ve already said they hated the idea about a dozen times.
This small example can apply to most aspects of the relationship, from your sex life to more serious issues.
And the lesson? Don’t try to push your partner’s boundaries. They are there for a reason. If your partner is loyal, you will see it in his behavior. You don’t have to play games.
7) The quid pro quo game
When you love someone – really love him or her – everything you do for him or her comes from a place of kindness and selflessness.
If you make them breakfast in bed, you don’t expect them to return the favor the next morning.
When you buy them a gift, you don’t always wonder if they will get something for you too.
Except that many people don’t love selflessly. We feel possessive; we test each other; we try to see if the relationship is really worth our love and effort.
As a result, we might end up playing the “quid pro quo” game, or keeping track of everything you’ve ever done for your partner, without even realizing it.
One of my exes once told me, “I bought you a plant, took you out and gave you lots of compliments. And what have you done for me, huh?
We were dating for about a week at that point. The relationship did not last very long.
8) The cold shoulder
The cold shoulder can be very confusing for your partner.
On the one hand, you refuse to talk to your partner and act grumpy and distant. On the other hand, you wait to see if your partner will grovel to get you to talk.
The problem is that you’re sending extremely mixed signals. Your partner may think you need space or that you’re not in the mood, and he may do the exact opposite of what you really want: leave you alone.
If you need space, say so. If you only use the silent treatment to test your partner’s loyalty… maybe try talking about the issue instead.
9) The false fraction
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to the worst mind game of all…
The false break.
It sounds kind of contradictory to threaten someone with a breakup just to test their loyalty, right? What if they actually broke up with you?
Well, this game is definitely high risk, that’s for sure. If your partner doesn’t beg you to stay with him or her, you’re pretty much toast.
And yet this is a strategy that many people resort to – especially when they do narcissists manipulative gold.
No matter which side you’re on, remember that it’s rarely a good idea to threaten someone with a breakup just to see their reaction. It creates an unstable dynamic that makes you both anxious, leading to a lot of chaos.
Here’s a better alternative: talk about it. If you are not sure whether your partner is loyal, tell him about your feelings. A simple conversation may be all you need.
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